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Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 140, Nos. 3 & 4. Whole Nos. 853 & 854, September/October 2012

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Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 140, Nos. 3 & 4. Whole Nos. 853 & 854, September/October 2012
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She was brought up suddenly by a shout — not a scream, but the sort of shout a schoolmaster inevitably had to use at times. She threw open the living-room door, then dashed up the stairs and onto the landing where the hatch was. Ernest was lying still on the floor, his left ankle still trapped in one of the lower steps of the ladder. Miriam rushed over and released it, then knelt and felt her father’s pulse. She had been a schoolteacher before her own children came along, and she knew all the basics of first aid.

“Oh, Dad. You silly old fool. Why wouldn’t you let me fetch your precious box? I’m ringing for an ambulance now. Love you, Dad... Always.”

The ambulance took only ten minutes, but it was the longest ten minutes of her life. She wanted to ring Les and tell him, but she thought he would be taking Kieran home, so she waited until she and her father were in the ambulance, she on a little tip-up seat, her father lying flat out, attached to various dials and indicators.

“Les, darling. Dad has had some kind of stroke or heart attack. I’ll be at the hospital when you’re free. Could you get your mum to take the children for a bit? And ring my mother and tell her. She’ll want to be at the hospital with him. Ring for a taxi for her, or bring her yourself... of course I trust you. Love you too.”

The next two hours were almost unbearable, especially after they were told by the specialist that things didn’t look good. Her mother arrived with Les, though the latter stayed only twenty minutes then decided he ought to be with the children. Les’s one weakness was a fit person’s horror of illness. Win said all the things people do say at such times, and did all the useless things people do except worrying about the state of her husband’s underclothes. When the inevitable had happened and the nurse had tenderly shut his eyes, Win demanded to go home to her new home, and asked to be left alone.

“I’ve got things I want to say to him,” she said. “I’ll be all right in the morning.”

Miriam went to her new home after she had seen her mother safely into her old one. The space in the new house now seemed less of an attraction, more of a disorientating threat. She went up to the landing and looked around. The specialist had said it seemed unlikely there would need to be an inquest. Ernest had had a couple of minor heart scares soon after retirement. Apart from the rickety old ladder, the landing was tidy. The box, the container of all that youthful attempt at fiction, had skidded over to the doorway of the main bedroom, but it had remained intact, the box being secured by a liberal application of freezer tape. The neat package looked faintly pathetic.

Poor Dad, thought Miriam. He’d never have completed it. The Dad of today was probably a quite different person to the Dad who wrote this.

She rummaged in her handbag and found a pair of nail scissors which, with protest, allowed her to attack the sticky tape and open the box. There, in four neat little piles, were the handwritten pages of what looked like a series of letters. Miriam went into the main bedroom, where the light was better. She took what seemed to be the first letter — the opening to the novel, she supposed: It had no date on it, nor even any name for the fictional recipient of the letter. “My dear boy,” it began:

I can’t tell you how happy you made me today. The assurance that you felt the same attraction to me, had felt it for a long time, made my heart leap for joy. Your feelings betray a maturity beyond your youth. But do remember that our feelings are ones that could easily be misinterpreted. They are our secret, and that is how it must remain.

Miriam frowned. This was not quite what she had expected. She flicked ahead through the first pile of letters. “My dearest boy,” “Dear lad,” “My best love,” “My own one” — these were the superscriptions. The events did not seem to progress in the orderly manner of a novel. “I love your bright eyes, the sight of your delicious, unruly fair hair.” Why should her father be writing a homosexual novel? She had never for a moment suspected her father of nourishing such thoughts. Was it some kind of crime novel, where the reader is offered information but in a way calculated to mislead?

Eventually the awful, inevitable thought struck her. This was not a novel. This was her father, writing himself, writing personally. It was a correspondence of which he had kept only the one side — his own. These were his own real, deeply felt thoughts. She began to sweat with embarrassment. She took up the second pile. The tone of the top letter was very much that of the earlier ones.

My beloved boy,

Our games yesterday — so private and perfect — were wonderfully satisfying. I’m grateful that your being now of age has allowed our love this new dimension. These letters are my “thank you,” without which the fun and satisfaction would not be complete.

Miriam’s eyes were awash. She could not rid herself of the feeling that only in this relationship had her father had real joy and fulfilment. It made her feel that his had been a life misused, only half satisfying. The combination of love and schoolmasterliness in the tone of the letters only added to this feeling.

She wiped her eyes and burrowed for the very last letter.

My dear, still dear, boy,

I cannot tell you the pain I suffered when I read your last and found that you feel it is time to take up a new sort of relationship. Never before have you told me that what we have was not enough for you. But I must not reproach you — you who have given me so much. I must wish you well and let you go. Please remember how dangerous this love has been, particularly for me. Please, please, Leslie: Pack up the letters securely and return them to me. Those letters would be the end of my career, perhaps of my life...”

Miriam found she could read no more. Now it all became clear: why her father had opposed so vigorously her marriage, why he and Leslie (Ernest was the only man who used his full name) had never, in spite of having so much in common, come fully to trust each other. She understood the pain he must have felt, seeing his lover as the lover of his daughter, but felt painfully that her father had not done himself justice in that last letter, while Les had had to take hard decisions for his father-in-law’s sake, and had loyally stuck to them, however painful his silence must have been for him.

She went into the kitchen, into the muddle of cupboards and drawers, and found her own roll of freezer tape. The box must be the basis of the first garden bonfire in the new house. It would represent for her a thorough and complete destruction of the most important relationship in her father’s life. But it was what he would have wanted.

Copyright © 2012 by Robert Barnard

Last Laugh

by Michael Z. Lewin

Michael Z. Lewin is a longtime contributor to EQMM and AHMM, and his short stories appear in many other publications as well. We congratulate him on his recent nomination from the International Thriller Writers for best story of 2011 for “Anything to Win” (The Strand). Another bit of news related to his short stories: Family Trio, a collection of three of the “Lunghi family” tales (two of which appeared in EQMM) is now available on Kindle. And if you’re a fan of the Lunghi series, you also won’t want to miss the latest novel, Family Way.

* * * *

“You havin’ fun? If you’re havin’ fun, say ‘Yeah, Bob!’”

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