The Great Troll War

The Quickener had other uses, too, and not just to escape bears, for which it was originally intended. Move fast and you became a blur. It’s not invisibility but about as close as you are likely to get. I dashed forward as soon as time ground almost to a standstill and ran down the corridor, knowing that the only hint I was there at all would have been a faint smear of colour as I moved past. I had to waste precious seconds weaving past people and then more time figuring out which was the Royal Suite, but when I found it, I quickly darted through the open door and locked it behind me. Inside was another princess-now-lady-in-waiting so I swiftly bundled her stiff and unmoving form into the cupboard, just as the Quickener ran out, and time returned to normal. The sound rose from a low hum, and outside, the seagulls that had been frozen on the wing continued their flight. I walked through to the bathroom, where the Queen was in a large onyx tub, filled with milk.

‘Your Majesty,’ I said in greeting, ‘goodness – where did you get that much rabbit’s milk?’

‘It’s actually long-life milk from cartons,’ she said, ‘bought from the Co-op. But in times of need, we all have to slum it a little. Who are you and what do you want?’

‘It’s Jennifer Strange.’

‘So it is,’ she said, suddenly looking nervous. ‘My mind is made up, so you’d better leave. Guards!’

It looked like her, but it patently wasn’t. Boo had been unable to detect any spelling around her, so whatever was making the Princess act like an idiot, it wasn’t magic. There was only one possible explanation.

‘I get it,’ I said, suddenly realising. ‘Where did Sir Matt find you?’

‘It’s not Sir Matt, it’s King Mathew,’ she replied in a huffy tone, ‘and I think you are going to come to a very sticky end if you don’t reveal where your Quarkbeast is.’

‘It is Sir Matt Grifflon,’ I said. ‘He only gets to be King if he marries the Princess, and that’s not you, nor ever will or can be. So again: how did he find you?’

‘Very astute,’ said the impostor, realising that I would not be swayed. ‘I made myself known to him as soon as I heard my sister’s body complete with royal interloper had made it all the way to Cornwall. I had to make a few sacrifices of my own, you know, so don’t say I don’t deserve this.’

She raised her right arm from the bath of milk. The real Princess had lost her right hand to Hollow Men a couple of weeks before and the impostor had severed her own hand too – if she hadn’t, she could never have hoped to pass for the Princess. Judging by the level of healing, it looked as though she had used a rapid-healing balm, and that would have cost the same as a house. No one had been doing those spells for years, and the cost of old stock rose higher each year.

‘That’s commitment to a cause,’ I said, ‘and you’re going to be sorely pissed off when you find it was all for nothing.’

But the fake princess seemed to be made of sterner stuff, and wasn’t going to be easily beaten.

‘No one will believe you,’ she said in an arrogant tone, ‘and no one will believe the Princess even if she can escape and presents herself at court. I am the Queen, my husband is the King, we have the authority and the government and the army – and that’s really all that matters. Give up the Quarkbeast, Miss Strange – it’s the only play you have left.’

‘This isn’t over,’ I said, as the shouts from the princess in the cupboard had alerted the guards, who were now banging on the bedchamber door.

‘It is for you,’ said the pretend Princess, ‘but I’ll throw you a bone. Give us the Quarkbeast and I will have the King reinstate you as Court Mystician. It will be mostly ceremonial, but even so – it’s a job. So be a good little girl and do as we ask, okay?’

I said nothing, and without having thought of an exit plan, simply lifted up the sash window and stepped outside onto the roof, meaning to find the fire escape and go down that way. I didn’t have to as Colin was waiting for me, seated on the roof parapet and reading a copy of Mortal Engines.

‘I’m so sorry about your brother,’ I said. ‘He gave his life to me and the cause.’

‘It’s a worthy cause, Jen,’ he said, wedging the book behind his ear. ‘It’s up to us to ensure his sacrifice – and that of others – was not in vain. Boo said you could do with an escape plan. Where to?’