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The Reluctant Shaman and Other Fantastic Tales

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Suspend Your Disbelief
And plunge headlong into the always wild, constantly weird, and frequently whimsical realm of fantasy as invoked by that master magician L. SPRAGUE DE CAMP!
* A social protestor who just happens to be a ghost...
* A mail-order magic business that conjures up a universe of trouble...
* A fledgling wizard who doesn't know the strength of his own power...
And these are only a sprinkling of the outrageous and amazing creatures and things you'll encounter as you whir through a world where everything is probable--
THE RELUCTANT SHAMAN
THE HARDWOOD PILE
NOTHING IN THE RULES
THE GHOST OF MELVIN PYE
THE WISDOM OF THE EAST
MR. ARSON
KA THE APPALLING
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"But" pleaded Buckminster, "every time he finishes the first lesson, he calls me in and says, 'To hell with it Gimme another.' 'Scuse me, Miss Cope." The last was to Andrews' secretary. "What can I do?"

"Let him slide. He's not the type that can benefit from a correspondence course."

"But I gotta earn my living. Hi, Harry!" This was to Harrison Galt, M. H. S. I. salesman for Brooklyn, who had just come in to collect the daily list of inquiries from prospective students in his district, which had been forwarded from the home office in Paterson.

Andrews continued implacably: "I know you want your half of the ten-dollar deposit. But I have specific instructions from the home office to stop signing up these light-weights who just happen to be short on sales resistance. They figured that handling their courses costs more than it's worth. Anyway, it gives the Mercury Home Study Institute a bad name."

"Anyway," sulked Buckminster, "I never signed up no Earl Browder, like one of our competitors did."

Andrews, a dryly precise man, ignored this. He asked: "What about Grinnig? Does he want to shift from oil heating to bee keeping?"

"He ain't on oil heating," said Buckminster. "He's on that new one, nigromancy."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, doncha remember? Some new idear of the School of Shop Practice. We ain't even got a folder on it, but when Grinnig seen it in one of the ads, he just had to have it. So I wrote Paterson and asked: would they please send Grinnig the first lesson booklet as soon as it was off the press."

Galt put in a word: "Speaking of the School of Shop Practice, one of my prospects told me he thought it would have to do with legal shenanigans, how to kite checks and such. Get it? He thought I meant sharp practice!"

"Ha, ha," said Buckminster. "The dialeck some of these guys talk, you wonder how they understand themselves. Well, so long, Mr. Andrews, I gotta—"

"Remember, Clem, no more changes of course!" interrupted Andrews. "What is this nigromancy course, anyway? Something to do with race relations?"

Buckminster shrugged. "I dunno. Neither did Grinnig. That's why he wanted it."

"He's crazy," said Andrews. "And so are some of the heads in Paterson, I suspect. Nigromancy! Since the Old Man's been sick, Thurtle's been running the homer office, practically." Julian Thurtle was the head of the School of Shop Practice.

"So long, Clem," said Galt. "One of these days, the Dangerous Dane's gonna remember all those deposits you talked him outa, and take a poke at you."

"Grinnig's all right," grinned Buckminster. "He gets in fights because he's just an overgrown kid. That's it, an overgrown kid. But him and me get along fine. 'By." And Clem Buckminster, an inconspicuous figure of forty-odd with abundant but graying hair, went out softly singing:

"Down with Harvard, down with Yale; We get our learning through the mail ..."

Buckminster first sought Carl Grinnig at his normal place of employment, having assumed from Grinnig's wild talk that he was telephoning from there. But the shop head of the Alliance Oil Burner Co. informed Buckminster that the company's able but erratic mechanic was not in, allegedly because of sickness.

So the M. H. S. I. salesman rattled over to East Tremont Avenue and turned north toward the boardinghouse where Grinnig lived. This was a large, wooden, frame building with a front porch and wooden scrollwork.

At the first intersection, a policeman held up Buck-minster's car with a decisive "Not this way, buddy!" Buckminster himself could see, beyond the cop, the backs of a small crowd of people, and over the heads of these the upperworks of a fire engine standing in front of Grinnig's house. He turned the car down a side street, parked, and walked toward the scene, observing that the house had several broken windows and that from these, dark streaks of smoke or char ran up the clapboarded sides of the house.

"Mr. Buckminster!" said a voice. It was that of Carl Grinnig, a large, powerful, blond young man with a black eye and a couple of purplish discolorations about the jaw. He seized a flabby Buckminster arm in one huge hand.

"Yeah?" said Buckminster, suppressing the desire to wince. "Had a fire?"

"Had a fire? Yust wait till I tell you—"

Grinnig's explanation was drowned by an outburst of sound: exclamations from the crowd, smothered curses from a couple of firemen who ran out of the house to the engine, from which they took a couple of chemical extinguishers and dashed back. People pointed toward a curl of smoke, which rose suddenly from one of the broken windows. Buckminster could hear people running about inside the house, and presently the smoke ceased.

A stout, harassed-looking civilian came out of the house and pushed through the people. Buckminster recognized the man as Grinnig's landlord. Grinnig called out: "Hey, Mr. Feldman! What is it this time?"

Feldman made motions of pulling nonexistent hair. "A book! A book up off the table I was lifting, just a ordinary book it was, and when I open it, into flames it bursts! Right in front of it the gentleman from the insurance company was standing. His own eyes he don't believe! Me, I'm going crazy!" The house owner departed distractedly.

"You see, Mr. Buckminster?" rumbled Grinnig. "It's been like this all morning. First it was a calendar on the wall went up, whoof. Then a mattress caught fire. This book's about the twentieth screwy fire. After the fire department had turned out for five or six of 'em, they yust left an engine here and guys sitting in every room with chemical extinguishers."

"Did you get hurt in the fires?" asked Buckminster, eying the mechanic's obvious contusions.

"Naw, that was just a little fight with a coupla sailors. Di'n't amount to nothing on account of there was only three of them. But I gotta see you, quick."

"What have I got to do with—" began the correspondence-course salesman, but Grinnig shushed him warningly.

"We gotta talk alone somewheres. Come on, maybe there ain't nobody in old man Feldman's garage." And Grinnig dragged Buckminster willy-nilly up the driveway, growled, "Beat it, you kids," to a pair of small boys who were watching events from the roof of the two-car garage, and shoved the salesman within.

-

"Look, Mr. Buckminster," said the mechanic, "it's that nigromancy course you sold me."

"What is?" queried Buckminster.

"That made these here fires. But don't you say nothing about it," he added ominously.

"Course I wouldn't," said Buckminster hastily. "After all, we got a reputation to protect, too. But how come the course had anything to do with the fires? Don't make sense. If you don't like it, why doncha change?"

"I'm not interested in changing my course, but in stopping these here fires!" persisted Grinnig.

"We got a swell new course in aviation mechanics," said Buckminster. "Wuncha like to be an aviation mechanic? Big future; not like messing around with these smelly oil boiners. You could make some real dough with—"

"Listen," said Grinnig with strained patience, "every time you sell me a new course, you tell me it'll make me rich. Well, I ain't rich. If they're so hot, why don't you take one? How come you're still selling 'em on commission and living on coffee and sinkers?"

Buckminster shook his head sadly. "Too late for me. Shoulda started when I was a young guy like you, steada playing around and wasting my dough. My future's behind me." (This was all fairly close to the truth.) "Now, about that avi—"

"Shut up!" bellowed Grinnig. "I don't wanna hear nothing about no new courses."

The burly mechanic fished out of a pocket a six-by-nine booklet with stiff, green paper covers. "Look at this thing!"

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