The World's Greatest Books [Volumes 1-15, 17-20]

Sir Peter: What a difference there is between you! What noble sentiments!

Joseph Surface : Yet I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honour.

Sir Peter: I am sure I wish to think well of her, and to remove all ground of quarrel between us. Here, my friend, are the drafts of two deeds which I wish to have your opinion on. By one, she will enjoy £800 a year independent while I live; and, by the other, the bulk of my fortune at my death.

Joseph Surface : This conduct, Sir Peter, is indeed truly generous. {Aside) : I wish it may not corrupt my pupil.

Sir Peter : And now we will talk over the situation of your hopes with Maria. I am sensibly chagrined at the little progress you seem to make in her affections.

Joseph Surface (softly) : I beg you will not men231

tion it. What are my disappointments when your happiness is in debate? {Aside) : 'Sdeath, I shall be ruined every way!

Sir Peter : And though you are averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with your position, I am sure she is not your enemy in the affair.

Joseph Surface: I am too much affected by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought on my own concerns. The man who is entrusted with his friend's distresses can never—{Re-enter servant.) Well, sir?

Servant : Your brother, sir, is speaking to a gentleman in the street, and says he knows you are within.

Joseph Surface: 'Sdeath, blockhead, I'm not within—I'm out for the day.

Sir Peter : Stay—a thought has struck me: you shall be at home.

Joseph Surface: Well, well, let him up. {Exit servant.) {Aside) : He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however.

Sir Peter: Before Charles comes, let me conceal myself somewhere; then do you tax him on the point we have been talking of. If he is innocent, as you tell me you are sure he is, you do him the greatest service by giving him an opportunity to clear himself, and you will set my heart at rest (going up to the screen). Here behind the screen will be—hey! there seems to be one listener here already—I'll swear I saw a petticoat!

Joseph Surface : Hah! hah! hah! this is ridiculous enough. I'll tell you, Sir Peter, though I hold a man of intrigue to be a most despicable character, it does not follow that one is to be an absolute Joseph either. 'Tis a little French milliner, a silly rogue, that plagues me.

Sir Peter : Ah, Joseph! Did I ever think that you —but, egad, she has overheard all I have been saying of my wife!

Joseph Surface : Oh, 'twill never go any further. 232

Sir Peter: Then, faith, let her hear it out—here's a closet will do as well—sly rogue! sly rogue! (goes into the closet). [Enter Charles Surface.

Charles Surface: Your fellow would not let me up at first. What! have you had a Jew or a wench with you?

Joseph Surface : Neither, brother, I assure you.

Charles Surface: But what has made Sir Peter steal off? Was the old gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money of him?

Joseph Surface: No, sir; but I am sorry to find, Charles, you have lately given that worthy man grounds for great uneasiness.

Charles Surface: How so, pray?

Joseph Surface : He thinks you are endeavouring to gain Lady Teazle's affections from him.

Charles Surface : Who, I ? Lud! not I, upon my word. Hah ! hah! hah! so the old fellow has found out that he has got a young wife, has he?

Joseph Surface: This is no subject to jest on, brother.

Charles Surface: True; then, seriously, I never had the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.

Joseph Surface: Well, it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear it. (Raising his voice.)

Charles Surface: Besides, you know my attachment to Maria. But do you know you surprise me exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazle; for, i' faith, I always understood you were her favourite.

Joseph Surface : Oh, for shame, Charles! This retort is foolish.

Charles Surface: Egad, I am serious. Don't you remember one day when I called and found you together?

Joseph Surface (aside): Gad, I must stop him! Sir Peter has overheard all we have been saying. I knew

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you would clear yourself, or I should not have consented.

Charles Surface: How! Sir Peter? Where is he?

Joseph Surface: Softly, there! (points to the closet).

Charles Surface: Oh, 'fore heaven, I'll have him out.

Joseph Surface: No, no

Charles Surface: I say, Sir Peter, come into court. (Pulls in Sir Peter.) What! my old guardian!—What! inquisitor and take evidence incog. ? Oh, fie! oh, fie!

Sir Peter : Give me your hand, Charles—I believe I have suspected you wrongfully; but you mustn't be angry with Joseph—'twas my plan!

Charles Surface: Indeed!

Sir Peter: What I have heard has given me great satisfaction.

Charles Surface: Egad, then, 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more. Wasn't it, Joseph?

Sir Peter : Oh! you would have retorted on him.

Charles Surface: Oh! ay, that was a joke. [Re-enter Servant, who whispers to Joseph that Lady Sneerwell is below. Joseph leaves the room to send her azvay, bidding Sir Peter say not a word to Charles about the little French milliner.

Sir Peter: Ah, Charles, if you associated more with your brother, one might indeed hope for your reformation. He is a man of sentiment. Well, there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of sentiment.