The Great Troll War
- Автор: Ффорде Джаспер
- Серия: The Last Dragonslayer #4
- Год: 2021
- Язык: английский
- Год: Hodder & Stoughton
- ISBN: 9781444799958
- Жанр: Фэнтези
Электронная книга - «The Great Troll War». Краткое содержание книги:
‘No. You are to find a hovel somewhere, of two bedrooms, with two acres of stony ground and a pig. It shall be given to Mr and Mrs Grifflon here, to enjoy their married life together. There shall be no executions today.’
‘Wait,’ said Sir Matt, ‘all that marriage stuff was just to get the Crown. I didn’t actually want to marry a commoner with poor diction, a string of convictions and a dangerous personality disorder – it is annulled.’
‘Cheek,’ said Betty. ‘Thanks to you I’ve cut my own hand off for nothing.’
‘Was the marriage legal?’ the Princess asked the shabby curate.
‘It was, my Queen.’
‘I’m a knight,’ muttered Sir Matt. ‘It’s not permitted for me to be treated in this way.’
‘Not any more,’ said the Princess. ‘You are stripped of all honours, lands, titles and privileges. Your recording backlist and all rights thereto are to be given to orphanages, and your sword, armour, impressive mane of blond hair are all forfeit – but you may keep the moustache and the clothes on your back, aside from your cloak, which will be made into rags to polish the floor.’
‘I will have my revenge on you for this,’ screamed Betty Scrubb.
‘You will not,’ said the Princess, ‘for precisely the reason you failed in your coup. Yes, you are dishonest and scheming, but you’re really very bad at it. Get used to your hovel and your new husband, and if you know what’s good for you, serve your nation wisely. And you, Mathew Grifflon, ponder upon the great kindness I have shown in not having your head struck from your shoulders. Serve your marriage well and obey your wife. If I hear a whisper of sedition, I may review my kindness. Do you understand?’
Mr Matt Grifflon looked empty, defeated and, for the first time, almost apologetic.
‘I do, my Queen.’
‘Good. Take them away.’
And they were, by the very people who they thought would protect them. I retrieved the ring of state from Betty Scrubb’s finger and handed it to the Princess, who placed it on her own.
‘Where is Princess Tabathini?’
‘Here, ma’am.’
‘For your quick thinking, I make you head lady-in-waiting. All other princess rights are unchanged, the threat of demotion forever removed. Your vacuous levels of self-absorption are now a right enshrined forever in law. Jennifer, you are once more a knight, and Tiger, you are again Earl Prawns, adviser to the Crown.’
‘Your Majesty,’ said the Minister for Justice, ‘your throne awaits you.’
‘You can hand them back,’ said the Princess. ‘There shall be no thrones, no crowns, no baubles, no grovelling, no averting of eyes. I shall not be crowned until this nation is safe, for until then I will not have deserved it. Although we have seen off the usurpers, there is still tyranny afoot in my Kingdom. That we shall defeat the Trolls and the Mighty Shandar is not certain, but by the memory of my mother and father and all those who gave their lives to defend these islands, we will not stop trying while there is a last gasp in our bodies.’
There were three loud ‘Huzzahs!’ at this.
‘Good,’ she said. ‘We reconvene in an hour to discuss Shandar and the Trolls. Now,’ she added, oddly reverting to the part of her that would always be Laura Scrubb, ‘I’ve got to spend some time in the khazi. They gave me curry for dinner last night and I think it’s going to be bad.’
Molly Reveals Herself
The Princess and I visited the Button Trench around teatime. Sorting out the chaos of the two recent changes in administration took a frustratingly long time, especially given that time was something currently in short supply. It was now Sunday afternoon, and the Troll invasion was slated for dawn the following morning. The Quarkbeast had been returned to us by Grifflon’s men, but we still had no intention of giving him up.
We’d released Full Price and Lady Mawgon, who re-established the intelligence network and regained contact with our observers and resistance groups. Many had dutifully remained at their posts in case our fortunes changed, and, although patchy, the picture of the Troll invasion was generally consistent: they were now everywhere, and it did not look as though their appetite for human flesh would be appeased any time soon.
We stared at the Trolls on the other side of the trench, and they stared back at us in the sort of way we might stare into a fridge if feeling a little snacky. They had vanquished the human with little difficulty; a further small addition of land in the extreme south-west tip would not make a significant difference, the ten thousand or so souls the equivalent of just one more larder in a house not noted for its lack of larders. It was said that more people turned vegetarian during the Troll invasion that at any time in the Kingdom’s history. Being a carnivore suddenly looked a little iffy when you or your children were on someone else’s menu.
The Princess and I stared across the trench. We had asked to speak to whichever Troll was nominally in charge, and one was now lumbering up to talk to us. It looked a lot like the Troll Wife we had seen a few days ago. She recognised us both, but on reflection that might just have been the Hive Memory.
‘Yes?’ said the Troll.
‘This is the Supreme Ruler of the United Kingdoms,’ I said, indicating the Princess, ‘and she wishes to speak to the Emperor.’
‘Oh yes?’ said the Troll Wife. ‘And for what possible reason would he want to talk to you? It’s sort of like the starter wanting to have a chat with a guest, just before a banquet.’
‘It’s about the Mighty Shandar,’ said the Princess. ‘He will break any deal he has brokered. Our species will be better served by working together to defeat a common enemy before we find a peace of our own. I want to forge a new history between your people and mine so that we can live in harmony, rather than aggression.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said the Troll absently, as her attention had wandered, ‘did you say something?’
The Princess patiently repeated herself, but the Troll was no less dismissive.
‘You’re breaking my heart. But I’ll let you into a secret: the Mighty Shandar will build bridges over the Button Trench no matter what you do tomorrow at dawn, and we will invade. So standing there bargaining with us is a little pointless – although out of courtesy we may ask if you would prefer to be steamed or boiled. Personally I’m against such concessions, but the 13.33 per cent bleeding-heart liberal Troll faction will have their say.’
We came away from the Button Trench without having made any headway, but at least some understanding of what we were to expect.
‘It looks like you were right about Shandar,’ said the Princess as we drove back into town. ‘Helping us rid the land of the Trolls was never part of his plan.’
‘Mind you,’ said Tiger, who was also present, ‘defeating the Trolls may not be relevant at all if the Mighty Shandar decides to leave the Earth as a frozen wasteland devoid of life, floating in a forgotten corner of the Milky Way. Shouldn’t we take the fight straight to Shandar?’
‘The Troll is currently the most immediate threat to our liberty,’ said the Princess. ‘We’ll fight them first then deal with Shandar.’
I liked her optimism, but wasn’t sure just how we could fight either right now.
We pulled up outside the Queens Hotel. The marksmen, eager not to sit on their hands doing nothing during a time of jeopardy, had been busy repainting the yellow lines outside the hotel, conveniently adding a ‘Monarchs Only’ parking slot.
Monty was waiting for us as we pulled up, and seemed to be looking positive about something, which might at least portend good news, even if it wasn’t actual good news.