The Great Troll War
- Автор: Ффорде Джаспер
- Серия: The Last Dragonslayer #4
- Год: 2021
- Язык: английский
- Год: Hodder & Stoughton
- ISBN: 9781444799958
- Жанр: Фэнтези
Электронная книга - «The Great Troll War». Краткое содержание книги:
‘It sounds super-geeky,’ I said. ‘I love it. Then what?’
‘No one knows when the Princess was switched, but since the impostor couldn’t have made it across the Button Trench due to the number of Trolls in attendance, she must either have flown here or arrived by boat.’
‘Makes sense.’
‘Right. So we sent our field agents off to knock on the doors of freight managers, shipping agents and immigration officials at the docks and Penzance International Airport, to see what we could find out.’
‘Surely no one’s keeping records in a time of war?’
‘These are bureaucropaths,’ said General Worrier. ‘Bureaucrats who get all obsessive about procedure. Like us, they worry about everything. Whether the records are in triplicate, whether a form hasn’t been filled in, whether there is a box which hasn’t been ticked. Who arrived, are they here, and if they left, then when, and how. No, the records are one hundred per cent complete. Better still, they think Matt Grifflon is a total idiot, and are much bigger fans of you and the Princess. And this is what we came up with.’
He placed a photocopied passenger manifest on the table.
‘She flew in yesterday morning, part of a refugee flight set up for people on the Eat List – they run mercy dashes from Bodmin, a place not yet overrun with Trolls. She came in under her own name: Betty Scrubb, aged sixteen. Nationality: Snoddian.’
He placed another photocopy on the table, this time of her identity card. The likeness to the Princess was uncanny.
‘So what happened then?’
‘Nothing. She got the bus into St Ives, and the trail goes cold.’
‘I really hope there’s more.’
General Worrier grinned broadly.
‘And how. Checking the passenger manifests again, someone named Betty Scrubb flew out of Penzance International Airport just before the nuptials yesterday afternoon. We had a word with the immigration officer and he said she appeared to be “in a bit of daze”.’
‘Drugged?’
‘Most likely. But get this: her travelling partners were four of Sir Matt Grifflon’s personal bodyguards. I ran their IDs and they must have been hand-picked to defend the Princess against rescue: all of them were convicted for extreme violence and murder, and each time pardoned by Sir Matt or his father, Lord Grifflon of Bedwyn.47’
‘What was their onward destination?’
‘The Isles of Scilly,’ he said, ‘about twenty miles west of here. As soon as the aircraft departed, “King” Mathew annexed the entire Isles of Scilly as a no-fly zone, and requisitioned all the castles there for his own use.’
He flicked over the pages of a notebook.
‘After analysing all the potential castles for princess-imprisoning and grading them on suitability, isolation, lofty towers and dampness, we came up with this as the most likely.’
He showed me a postcard of Cromwell Castle on the island of Tresco, a tall, cylindrical stone tower with one entrance, six storeys and a single window high up under the eaves of a pointed roof. It was perfect for imprisoning a princess, which was not surprising, as imprisoning princesses at the top of tall towers was a mini-industry in itself, and there were several purpose-made towers dotted around the country which could be had at a very reasonable weekly rate.
I opened the window and called up to Colin, who was sitting on the roof above my bedroom. He stepped off into a near-silent hover, and came down to see me.
‘Hello,’ he said, scratching himself, ‘this bat survey stuff is actually quite fun. I’ve seen fifty-eight pipistrelles, twelve lesser horseshoe, seventeen long-eared and a Daubenton’s. How did the meeting go last night?’
I told him about Shandar’s plans.
‘Dear oh dear,’ he said, ‘humans are so tedious with their overinflated mission statements and unbridled ambition. It would be better for all concerned to have more modest goals: like watching a sunset with friends, or making nourishing cabbage soup. They’re much less harmful – and actually attainable. What can I do?’
I explained where we thought the Princess might be imprisoned.
‘Ooooh,’ he said excitedly, ‘my first Princess-rescuing gig. If her guards try to stop me, can I vaporise them all with a scorching lungful of fire that leaves only a pile of carbonised bones, heat-distorted armour and the faint smell of a hog roast? I’ve always wanted to do that.’
‘You … must use whatever force you feel is necessary to restore the true monarchy.’
‘Good,’ he said. ‘I’ll be off as soon as I’ve eaten seven cans of curried beans, nine cabbages, a dozen assorted fish-heads, four pints of soured cream and six dozen slightly-off eggs.’
I didn’t need to ask why. A Dragon’s fiery breath is basically methane,48 which is generated in a separate stomach, then lit by a pilot light in the gullet before being expelled out of a nostril or the mouth. I shut the bedroom window and hugged General Worrier warmly.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered in his ear. ‘You and your team have done the Crown, the Kingdoms and the planet a great service and it shall not be forgotten.’
‘Not if she isn’t rescued, we’re all vanquished or we got it wrong,’ he said. ‘Then we’ll all go from hero to zero faster than you can whistle the Catalina Magdalena Hoopensteiner song.’
‘Not in my eyes.’
I looked at my watch. I had full confidence in Colin’s princess-rescuing abilities, but I needed to find out why Zambini left me in the orphanage as a baby and what made Shandar so fearful of me. I had to visit Mother Zenobia, but the orphanage was back in Herefordshire and a drive would be too long and perilous, so I removed from around my neck the Cloud Leviathan’s tooth that had been fashioned into a whistle, and blew on it. I’d not done this before, and knew only that Ralph would hear and help me if I asked. That’s the thing about Australopithecines who are the result of an Evolutionary Master Reset49 – they can be trusted on a favour if things really get out of hand.
The Cloud Leviathan’s whistle made no noise, but I knew it had been effective as I heard dogs whine and bark outside. Ralph could be anywhere, but a Leviathan was swift.
Once everyone had gone I had a quick bath, dressed and came downstairs for breakfast. The new Queen was lording it over everyone in the ballroom, which was now a VIP breakfast area. I heard later that she’d had the Rice Krispies checked to ensure they were all the same size, and the porridge rejected nine times until the consistency was just right. The King was also present with most of his retinue, including those who would have killed me the night before if Kevin’s strategic fibbing hadn’t won the day.
The royals all had a separate, screened-off area in which to eat, but I also noticed the Quarkbeast had not yet moved from the spot he had adopted the night before. I winked at him as I walked past, and he winked back. He hadn’t been captured at all by the King’s men. The most they could hope to boast was that they knew where he was.
I sat down at a table with Boo, Monty Vanguard and Tiger. Colin had left soon after his methane-inducing feast, and although the Isles of Scilly would only be twenty minutes’ flight time away, he had not yet sent word of progress. It would be safe to assume he would observe the tower first in order to confirm she was there, numbers in the garrison, the Btu50 value of a human, that sort of thing. He knew the importance of the mission, and I trusted he would be cautious, yet victorious.