Sprague de Camp's New Anthology

During the evening Alice co-operated as well as she could with Byron Matthews in the pretence that their chaperone was not there.

After the movie they stopped in at the same drug store, where Stanko ate a banana split, Matthews had a root-beer soda, and Alice, mindful on the one hand of her shape and on the other of the necessity of getting a full night's sleep to be in condition for her monkey-cage the next day, confined herself to a small coke. In answer to her questions, Matthews told her something of the inner workings of the Department of State. She commented:

"When you explain it, it doesn't seem so mysterious or glamorous at all, but just one more government bureau all snarled up in its own red tape, like the Darby-dale public school system. I always imagined State Department people as dashing about in striped pants and dodging spies, with brief-cases full of priceless papers under their arms."

He answered: "That's what many people think. But the striped pants are merely our working-clothes, like an elevator man's uniform. And for the last five years I've been chained to a desk in Washington filling out forms in sextuplicate and buying airplane tickets for V.I.P.s, most of whom turn out to be just ordinary human beings with the usual percentage of stinkers." He took a final pull on his straw, so that it emitted a snoring sound as the last of the soda was sucked up. "But I expect more variety in the future. I've put in for transfer to the Foreign Service. Would you like something else? You might as well shoot the works. Uncle's paying for it."

"I think I'll have mercy on the taxpayers," said Alice, mentally adding, and on my waist-line.

When Matthews bid her good-night they shook hands. Stanko, watching, said:

"From what I have read and seen in your motion pictures, I understand that young people on dates in this country usually kiss before parting."

"Uh?" said Matthews.

"Well, do they not?"

"Sometimes," said Alice.

"And sometimes they do other things as well," said Matthews. "But as this custom you refer to is an—uh—somewhat sentimental rite, I don't think this would be an appropriate time ..."

In the darkness Alice could not see if Matthews were blushing, but he certainly sounded as if he were. Stanko said:

"Nevertheless, I wish that you would kindly do so. My observations will not be complete otherwise. Pretend that I am not here."

Matthews swore under his breath, then held out his arms. "Might as well do it up brown."

Alice suppressed a giggle and went into the clinch. She had been kissed often enough to know that unless the other party had bad breath, a hare lip, or a full beard, the difference between one kiss and another is not astronomical. Nevertheless, she was pleased to find that Byron Matthews did a smooth job, as a man of his age and presumable experience certainly should. Before they broke he whispered:

"As soon as I can get rid of Stinker, I'll be around for more!"

Alice went into her apartment thoughtfully. The last word had been somewhat ambiguous. Perhaps Stanko's chaperonage had not been an altogether bad idea. If Byron Matthews's notions of "more" were like those of Mr. Lorbeer, the extra-terrestrial's presence had at least saved the date from degenerating into a wrestling-match, as sometimes happened on dates with young men whose hands seemed to possess an uncontrollable exploratory urge of their own.

In the case of Matthews she was not even sure of how strong her defences were against one whom she found so attractive. She fortified her resolution by remembering her mother's last warning:

"Ach, Alice, remember yet, any time you think you don't vant a good girl to be, you never gatch a man by giving him free vot he vill marry you to get!"

Alice Wernecke was correcting papers in her apartment the following afternoon when the telephone rang. Her heart leaped at Byron Matthews's voice, then sank as she took in his graveyard tones. • "Alice," he said, "you know what?"

"What?"

"Stinko—pardon me, Cultural Representative Kstaho—wants a date with you!"

"You mean like last night?"

"No! He wants it all by himself. I'm not even to come along as chaperone."

"Oh-oh!" said Alice.

"Exactly, oh-oh."

"What's the big idea?"

"He has a line of double-talk about how to understand our cultural pattern he has to engage in our activities as much as a difference of species permits."

"I hope the difference doesn't permit too much. What sort of date has he in mind?"

"He's hell-bent to take you to a football game; heard the men at the Greers' party talking about it. I suppose I can use my State Department connections to get you a pair of-tickets to the Penn-Army game ..."