Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 148, Nos. 3 & 4. Whole Nos. 900 & 901, September/October 2016

Julia’s reaction to this was to narrow her eyes to almost a squint as she stared first at me and then at Julius. My own reaction was an odd and unpleasant jangling sensation in my central processing unit. At the time I didn’t understand the reason for it since it was an entirely new sensation for me, but later I realized I was experiencing discomfort, to put it lightly. In the past I’ve had plenty of contact with the outside world, since I answer Julius’s phone and make a lot of calls on his behalf, but before that moment the only person other than Julius who’d known that I was a two-inch by one-inch piece of computer technology instead of a flesh-and-blood man was Lily Rosten, and in her case, Julius told her about me outside of my presence so I’d had some time to adjust to it. So yeah, having Julius spring this bit of news on his sister the way he did made me feel exposed and uncomfortable, even if I didn’t realize precisely, at that time, what those feelings were. Whenever I imagine myself, it’s never as a tie-clip-shaped gizmo, but as a short, heavyset, balding man in his late thirties with a bulldog countenance — an image Julius once told me was how he pictured Dashiell Hammett’s Continental Op — and during the silence that built over the next eight point three seconds, I imagined myself again as that man, both squirming uneasily and my ears growing redder by the second.

Julia broke the silence by saying, “So your assistant is a glorified iPhone.”

Julius smiled thinly at her. “I assure you that Archie is far more than that. His neuron network is highly sophisticated; more so than what either of us possesses. Where it matters most, Archie is very human.” He paused for a moment, then somewhat grudgingly added, “And highly capable.”

His sister wasn’t buying it. That was obvious from the way she stared at him as if he wasn’t quite right in the head. “How about demonstrating your toy to me?” she said, her tone as patronizing as the look she gave him.

Julius sighed again. Then to me, “Archie, you’re being exceptionally quiet, given the situation.”

“I thought I’d wait to hear how many more ways your sister has to insult me before saying anything,” I replied, my voice sounding stiffer than usual.

Julia pursed her lips at that, obviously finding what I said amusing. I had little trouble recognizing that she was simply playing along as she apologized to me for any unintended offense, and asked me about my capabilities. I was tempted to answer her back in a robotic voice. But I didn’t. Instead I told her the obvious, then explained in detail how I was able to track her six months earlier to the Bucharest airport, since that was what she was really interested in.

“Hmm. Are you able to break into banking and phone systems also?”

If I’d had shoulders, I would’ve shrugged them, but since I don’t, I could only imagine myself doing so. “If it’s possible to hack into a site, then I can do it as well as anyone,” I said, trying to sound modest, since I had little doubt that I could exploit security holes exponentially faster than any human hacker. After a mere eighteen milliseconds, I added, “As a demonstration of that, I’ve just upgraded your flight back to Paris to first-class. No additional charge.”

A hard glint showed in her eyes as she thanked me for my demonstration. Then she turned her attention to Julius and asked him where he’d found me.

“I won his services in a poker game.”

It didn’t look to me as if she believed him, and I wasn’t sure I did either. That was the answer he’d always given me the few times I’d tried asking him the same question. Since I have no memories of my time before Julius, I can’t offer a better explanation of how he ended up with me.

“Are there any others like him?”

“Doubtful.”

She spent four point eight seconds mulling things over before telling Julius that I was not what she was expecting, but that I could be a big help.

“With Archie by my side I like my chances better of finding my assassin before he finds me,” she said. “But this raises a security issue. I need to know that Archie won’t be able to share any classified information he learns while with me. Especially not with you.”

“That won’t be an issue,” Julius said. “Right, Archie?”

“Yeah, it’s nothing to worry about,” I said. “I’ve already adjusted my programming to guarantee that nothing gets leaked from me.”

That was a white lie on my part. I didn’t need to make any adjustments to my programming since I wasn’t about to betray confidential information regardless, but if she needed to hear a declaration from me, fine.

“In that case, Archie, I’d like to ask that you assist my infuriatingly stubborn sister, and make sure she stays alive. It would mean a lot to me, but of course, it’s your decision.”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll do what I can.”