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A Three Dog Problem

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In the wake of a referendum which has divided the nation, the last thing the Queen needs is any more problems to worry about. But when an oil painting of the Royal Yacht Britannia – first given to the Queen in the 1960s – shows up unexpectedly in a Royal Navy exhibition, she begins to realise that something is up.
When a body is found in the Palace swimming pool, she finds herself once again in the middle of an investigation which has more twists and turns than she could ever have suspected. With her trusted secretary Rozie by her side, the Queen is determined to solve the case. But will she be able to do it before the murderer strikes again? 
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‘Wasn’t that a good thing?’ Rozie asked.

Eleanor’s face hardened. ‘No, it wasn’t. Because none of it was real. Sholto didn’t want friendship, he wanted access. Close proximity to your Gainsboroughs and your Fabergé and your daughters.’

She eyed Rozie coolly across the table. Eleanor herself was all angles, high-cheeked and loose-limbed, dressed in faded, flared jeans and a man’s jacket over the shirt. Rozie felt slightly wrong-footed by her shrewd, appraising gaze.

‘I was in my last year at school,’ she said, ‘when I met Sholto at a London party and brought him down for the weekend. He was the same age as me: seventeen. I was the fourth child out of five and we lived in the grounds of my grandfather’s house. A stately home, I suppose you’d call it. I was shy and biddable and loved horses and dogs. I wasn’t sure what to do with boys. I was used to the look on my friends’ faces when they saw Booke Place for the first time – but Sholto took it to the extreme. He fell in love with the estate,’ she concluded with a shrug. ‘With the situation, the architecture and everything in it. Including me, because I happened to be in it. He was obsessed. He was also a kleptomaniac.’

See what you find, the Queen had said. Rozie leaned in a little further. ‘Oh?’

‘He started off with small things: mementos of his stay. My mother was cross when a silver ashtray disappeared during his first weekend. They all assumed it had been misplaced by a cleaning lady, but I found it in Sholto’s jacket pocket weeks later. There was a rather exquisite silver hummingbird that my grandfather had brought back from Geneva years before. A Fabergé egg. This was two years later. By now I was working in a little art gallery in Mayfair and Sholto was studying art at the Courtauld. He’d taken my virginity and I’d assumed wedding bells, though nothing was said. It was all very bohemian. He cooked me supper, very well, on two gas rings in his student flat. I found the bird and the egg when I was looking in his handkerchief drawer for something to use as napkins. Later, I discovered he’d also taken a portrait of my mother. At least, it disappeared that Christmas, and where else would it have gone?’

Rozie remembered a beautiful picture of a pale young woman – all angles, too – in a fifties evening dress, that hung in his dining room. Was it a sign of what was to come?

‘He tried to take me, too.’ Eleanor leaned back in her chair, examining her strong hands, adorned with little rings. ‘I was madly in love. He knew what my parents thought of him and made plans to run off with me to Gretna Green and marry me the day he graduated from art school. I thought it was the most romantic thing in the world. Like an idiot, I told my younger brother, and of course he told my mother. Sholto came from what my parents called “trade” – which meant his father was a doctor and his mother’s family were engineers. They bought their own furniture; Sholto needed to work for a living. Of course I didn’t care – I loved that. Salt of the earth. I thought I was a socialist, but I was just a dupe. Sholto wanted beautiful things, and I was one of them. But my grandfather bought him off with a thousand pounds. He’d been prepared to go much higher.’

‘Did they know about the bird and the egg?’ Rozie asked, to try and take the sting out of the ‘thousand pounds’.

‘And the portrait? No, I didn’t tell them. They were being so snobbish. But it wasn’t only that. Once they heard about Sholto’s plan, my grandfather paid a detective to find out more about him. Of course, they didn’t tell me at the time. Sholto loved to hang out with disreputable people. Aristocrats in the West End, drug dealers in the East End. Pimps. Petty criminals. He liked them. It was the seventies and art school was all about rebellion. He didn’t take the drugs, but he liked the danger. I think he thought it made him cool. Anyway, it didn’t make him a perfect suitor. I thought it was my grandfather who broke my heart, but . . .’ She made a dismissive gesture with her beringed fingers to suggest she didn’t think so now.

‘Did he stay in touch?’ Rozie asked.

‘Of course he didn’t. He bought a Ducati, slept with two of my friends and went off to India with Lydia Munro, whose family weren’t as clued up as mine. He gave her crabs – God knows where he picked them up – and came back solo. I always wondered what would happen to him.’ Eleanor drained her glass, her stacked diamond rings flashing in the light. ‘Bizarrely, he stayed in touch with my brother for a while. Rupert was too polite to shun him, and Sholto was too crude to stay away. I assumed he’d end up in prison, but he worked for the Queen and retired to the Cotswolds. I saw his cottage in House & Garden. I must say, I searched the pictures for the bird and the egg, but I didn’t find them. Did you?’

‘I didn’t see them,’ Rozie said truthfully, keeping quiet about the portrait. ‘And what about his time at the Royal Collection?’ she asked, aware of her cover story.

‘Oh, you didn’t come here to ask me about that, did you?’ Eleanor smiled her disbelief. ‘What the hell would I know about that? Don’t worry, I don’t mind. I assume he stole the family silver. The Queen should count herself lucky he didn’t run off with Princess Margaret. I bet he tried.’

Standing in Old Church Street afterwards, waiting for a cab, Rozie suddenly remembered who Eleanor had reminded her of, the moment she brought up Sholto: it was Lulu Arantes, who must have heard about him from Uncle Max. Lulu had been spot on about Cynthia Harris. She really ought to trust her more.

Chapter 38

Billy MacLachlan, too, had been busy. Back from Tetbury, he had visited one or two of his stomping grounds as a young detective, and reinserted himself into his old world as a royal protection officer. There were several networks for ex-royal servants, and for professional purposes Billy had kept up with more of them than he might have done otherwise – being a man very happy with a book and a crossword, most of the time. But he occasionally still golfed with ex-butlers, drank with ex-footmen, fished with ghillies and wine-tasted with sommeliers. They were in various stages of health and decrepitude, but they all had one thing in common: a love of gossip. There was a big pre-Christmas party at the Palace for old retainers coming up soon. On the pretext of making plans for this booze-up, Billy got to work.

After two days of nosing around, he finished his report for the Boss. He delivered it to the Queen and Rozie together as they all took a tour of the gardens at lunchtime. He sensed the Queen was getting antsy. She’d actually called him yesterday to ask about progress, which wasn’t something she normally did.

‘Do you know what a fence is, ma’am?’ he asked, as they headed towards the lake.

The Queen looked slightly bewildered. She glanced at the wall beside Constitution Hill and then away again. ‘I’m not sure I—’

‘Oh, right, sorry. I mean, in the criminal sense.’

‘Ah. I see. Isn’t that someone who handles stolen goods?’

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