The Scared Stiff
- Автор: Carmichael Judson Jack, Уэстлейк Дональд Эдвин
- Год: 2002
- Язык: английский
- Год: Carroll & Graf
- ISBN: 978-0-7867-0954-5
- Жанр: Иронические детективы
Электронная книга - «The Scared Stiff». Краткое содержание книги:
So it is that Barry and Lola, his beautiful South American wife and partner in con artistry, set out to play the globalization of the insurance industry to their fiduciary advantage. All they need for a successful operation is a country where corruption comes disguised as efficiency, where copious paperwork passes for accurate records, and where a coroner doesn’t think it necessary to see the corpse in order to issue a death certificate. Lola knows just the place. She was born there.
The story of Barry and Lola’s journey to her native Guerrera and their sure-fire scheme to pull off the perfect con, which begins with the staging of Barry’s spectacular and very public accidental death, becomes increasingly perilous as Barry attempts to negotiate his afterlife in a world he in no way understands. To his surprise, then, some of Lola’s more blunt-minded and ham-fisted cousins are figuring that if the whole family’s going to get rich with Barry Lee dead, he’s not dead enough.
I had finally gotten out of bed sometime after noon on Sunday. The family, back from mass, was sitting around in the living room, starting the day’s beer consumption and watching soccer on television. They hadn’t known I was in the house, so when the spare room door opened and I staggered blearily out, a certain amount of beer was spilled.
Once that was cleaned up and the TV switched off, I could tell them all my most recent adventures. Arturo made angry noises about the behavior of Manfredo and them from Tapitepe, while Mamá and Papá clucked and expressed horror on my behalf for all the trouble I’d gone through. Arturo, through being a cabby, knew Rafael Rafez by reputation, and the reputation was not good. “He’s a bigger crook than the crooks,” he told me.
“He wants that money from me,” I said, “and that’s all he wants, and he’s going to get it, so there won’t be any trouble. I know he’s a crook, Arturo, that’s why he’s taking a bribe, but he has reason to stay bought, including whoever’s in my grave out there, so I believe he will stay bought. The question is, How do we tell Lola to bring the money?”
Arturo said, “You think somebody listenin’ to her phone?”
“Or this one.”
He shook his head. “Not this one,” he said. “Nobody around here got stuff to do that kind of thing except they get it from the CIA, and the CIA don’t care about us.”
“All right,” I said, “the other end. So what you do, when she calls, you say it’s a bad connection, it’s probably her phone, she should go out to the pay phone by the gas station and call you from there, because the pay phones are always better.”
“Bullshit, man,” he said.
“What you tell her, Arturo,” I said, “is that you remember Barry saying it one time, about the phones in the States: that the pay phones are always better.”
“Oh, yeah,” he said. “Yeah, you said that, I remember now.”
The first time the phone rang, at six-thirty, Arturo took it, and it was Dulce de Paula. When he hung up, he told me, “Keith Emory disappeared.”
“Think of that,” I said.
“She reported it to the police.”
“Good.”
The second call came a little after seven. Arturo took it again, and talked a long time, and then hung up and nodded at me and said, “Okay.”
I said, “What took so long?”
“She didn’t want to do it.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe it. “She didn’t want to do it?”
“She says it’s cold up there.”
“Of course it’s cold up there. It’s winter.”
And the first thing she said, when the phone rang again ten minutes later and Arturo answered and then handed it to me, was, “It’s freezing out here.”
“I wish I was there to warm you,” I said.
“So do I,” she told me. “What’s going on? I told Artie, we can’t get the check until next week.”
“Lola,” I said, “hold on. There’s something else.”
“What?”
It was awfully good to hear her voice, but this wasn’t exactly the love scene I’d had in mind. It was all too businesslike, and I could hear her teeth chattering. I said, “In the first place, I miss you a whole lot.”
“I miss you too,” she said, but I know her; I could hear her humoring me.
So I got to it. “Okay, I know you’re cold there. The thing is, we got a little complication here. I can’t tell you about it now, I’ll tell you when you get here—”
“What is it?”
“I’ll tell you when you get here. But the thing is, you’ll have to bring sixty thousand dollars in cash with you.”
“What? That’s a whole lot of money!”
“It’s ten percent, if you think about it,” I said. “And I need it in order to leave the country.”
“Something’s going on,” she said.
I said, “Of course something’s going on! It got very complicated down here, wait’ll I tell you about it.”
“I can hardly wait,” she said.
I said, “And I can hardly wait to see you again. To hold you again. You know what I mean.”
Softer, she said, “I do. And I feel the same way.”
I could sense the family’s eyes on me. “I can’t tell you everything I want to,” I said, “you know, in the living room here.” And from the family’s expression, I understood they saw no reason for all this northern restraint.
“Well, I can tell you,” she said.
“Please do.”
“I want you inside me,” she said.
I believe I moaned. The family looked at me with quickened interest. I said, “Oh, yes. Burrow in. Hibernate.”
“Well, don’t go to sleep” she said.
“Very active hibernation,” I assured her. “Rolling and stretching. Snuggling in.”
“Mmmm,” she said. Then she said a few more things I couldn’t properly respond to, and I could tell she wasn’t feeling as cold as earlier. Her teeth had stopped chattering.
And what power words have to evoke memory. All the senses had come alive. “Come home soon,” I whispered. By that point, nothing much above a whisper was possible to me.
“I will,” she promised. “Wet dreams, sweetheart.”
“Count on it,” I said.
48
She didn’t call Tuesday. She didn’t call Wednesday. She hadn’t called by two o’clock Thursday afternoon when Rafael Rafez came by.
I was in the living room, looking out at nothing happening in the sunshine out there, when that white Land Rover stopped out front and Rafez stuck his head out the car window. He’d seen me up here, and he gestured I should come down.
He was out of the Rover, strolling in the shade of the house, when I came down the stairs. He was snappily dressed, as usual, this time in a flowing amber gaucho shirt and ecru linen pants. “How you going, amigo?” he asked me.
“Pretty good,” I said. “Bueno, I guess.”
“What do you hear from up north?”
“Nothing,” I said.
“Nothing?” He didn’t like that.
“I talked to Lola on Sunday,” I explained. “Told her to bring the cash but didn’t say why. She’ll bring it.”
He nodded. “When, that’s the question.”
“As soon as she gets the check,” I promised. “Believe me, I want this as much as you do. But you know these bureaucracies.”
“Sure,” he said. “Well, I’ll be around.”
“Great,” I said, and he drove off, with a wave and a smile.
When Arturo came home at four-thirty Friday afternoon, I said, “Arturo, call her. You gotta call her, that’s all. What’s the problem? What’s the delay? Is Kaplan making trouble again? Is he coming back down here? Is there a screwup someplace?”
“Slow down, hermano. I’ll call her, okay?”
“Okay.”
It was a fairly long call, though probably not the six hours it felt like. At last he hung up and said, “Sit down, hermano, stop pacing; you’re gonna wear out the floor; we’re gonna fall through, land on Madonna.”
“What’d she say?”
“Sit down,” he said.
“She didn’t say sit down,” I said, but I sat down. “All right, I’m sitting down. What did she say?”
“No check,” he said.
“What? They’re not gonna pay? How can they—”
“No no no,” he said. “No check yet.”
“Okay,” I said. “I know that much. No check yet. But how come? Did she talk to our insurance man?”
“I don’t think so,” he said. “She told me, if nothing comes in Monday, she’ll make a lot of phone calls, find out what’s the holdup.”