The World's Greatest Books [Volumes 1-15, 17-20]

Act IV

Scene.—As before. Hastings has passed over the jewels to Marlow's care. The unconscious Marlow has told him that the servant by his order has placed them in charge of the landlady. Enter Hardcastle, solus.

Hardcastle: My house is turned topsy-turvy. His servants are drunk already. For his father's sake, I'll be calm. (Enter Marlow.) Mr. Marlow, sir, the conduct of your servants is insufferable. Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example.

Marlow: I protest, my good friend, that's no fault of mine. They had my positive orders to drink as much as they could.

Hardcastle: Zounds, I shall go distracted! I'll stand it no longer! I desire that you and your drunken pack shall leave my house directly.

Marlow: Leave your house? I never heard such cursed impudence. Bring me my bill.

Hardcastle: Nor I, confound me if ever I did!

Marlow: My bill, I say.

Hardcastle: Young man, young man, from your father's letter I expected a well-bred, modest visitor, not a coxcomb and a bully. But he will be down here presently, and shall hear more of it.

[Exit.

Marlow: How's this? Surely I have not mistaken the house? Everything looks like an inn. The barmaid, too. (Enter Kate.) A word with you, child. Who are you?

Kate: A poor relation, sir, who looks after the guests.

Marlow: That is, you're the barmaid of this inn.

Kate: Inn? Oh, la! What brought that into your head? Old Mr. Hardcastle's house an inn!

Marlow: Mr. Hardcastle's house? Mr. Hardcastle's? So all's out. I shall be laughed at over the whole town. To mistake this house of all others—and my father's old friend. What must he think of me! And may I be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the barmaid. I mistook—but it's all over. This house I no more show my face in. By heaven, she weeps! But the difference of our birth, fortune, education—an honorable connection would be impossible, and I would never harbour a thought of any other. Farewell. [Exit.

Kate: He shall not go, if I have power to detain him. I will undeceive my father, and he shall laugh him out of his resolution.

[Exit.

The second couple are about to take flight without the jewels, by Tony's help, when he receives a note from Hastings, which—not knowing its source—he hands to his mother to decipher. She resolves to carry Miss Neville off forthwith, to place her in charge of her old Aunt Pedigree, in the coach prepared for the elopement. Tony being ordered to attend them on horseback, hits on an expedient which he does not reveal, but contents himself with bidding Hastings meet him two hours hence in the garden. The party start on their journey. Act V

Scene I.—Sir Charles Marlow has arrived, and the two elders have been making merry over the blunder; both are now eager for the marriage. But they are mystified by Marlow's assertion that he is indifferent to MISS Hardcastle, and his assertion is corroborated by what Hardcastle saw.

Scene II.—The back of the garden. Enter Tony, booted and spurred, meeting Hastings.

Tony: Ecod, five-and-twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad driving.

Hastings: But where are your fellow-passengers? Where have you left the ladies?

Tony: Why, where I found 'em! Led 'em astray, man. There's not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the taste of; and finished with the horsepond at the back of the garden. Mother's confoundedly frightened, and thinks herself forty miles off. So now, if your own horses be ready, you can whip off with my cousin, and no one to budge an inch after you.

Hastings: My dear friend, how can I be grateful.

[Exit.

Tony: Here she comes—got up from the pond.

[Enter Mrs. Hardcastle.

Mrs. Hardcastle: Oh, Tony, I'm killed—shook—battered to death! That last jolt has done for me. Whereabouts are we?

Tony: Crackskull Common by my guess, forty miles from home. Don't be afraid. Is that a man galloping behind us? Don't be afraid.

Mrs. Hardcastle: Oh, there's a man coming! We are undone!

Tony (aside): Father-in-law, by all that's unlucky! Hide yourself, and keep close; if I cough it will mean danger.

[Enter Hardcastle.

Hardcastle: I am sure I heard voices. What, Tony? Are you back already? (Tony laughs.)